I don't know about you but there's something vaguely disturbing and simultaneously deeply satisfying in going for an M.O.T with an old car,like the DS,and having it pass or at least fail over a minor fault;the sort you can fix in half an hour,without getting your hands dirty,which is physically impossible for me anyway (ask me mum) and watch a chap roll in with a near new car and have it fail miserably.Yes,I know it's base and shallow but go on,admit it.You've been there.But don't you think it confirms a sneaking suspicion we all probably harbour;that they don't make things as well as they did?
Mercedes-Benz said as much a few years ago when they admitted they thought their cars were 'over-engineered'. That kind of means "We can lower standards;hopefully no-one'll notice" to me.Still,you don't see many Mercs at the roadside,same as Rollers.Now how's that for a spot of over-engineering?
Mind you,it isn't just cars you can apply that theory to. Take the family washing machine (pulleassse).What bright spark designed the thing with a plastic catch for the door? So you've got a full load of laundry cheerfully sloshing around and the catch gives up in mid rinse.Oh well,the kitchen floor needed cleaning anyway.And why oh why are the internal mechanisms of window locks made out of some kind of white metal,y'know the sort of stuff they made those toy revolvers out of when we were kids.Those broke as easily as,well,window locks.

I tell you what,the Irish have to be one of the most friendly peoples you could hope to find.We had a great time over there,even though the journey got curtailed due to a mechanical problem.Though even that turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
We were passing a caravan site when the rear nearside hydraulic pipe decided to leak,resulting in no rear suspension.When these sort of incidences occur,Citroen believe in letting you know all about it.And they do,in the form of a massive red warning lamp about the size of a traffic light,slap bang in the centre of your dashboard.Of course,other minor red lights come on as well,so the overall effect is that you have about a minute to set your affairs in order,before the sun goes super nova and all life as we know it perishes.Alright,alright so I exaggerated;it's just as if your part of the world is about to slide into the sea.Anyway,I found it heart stopping enough to last me forever.
We limped it into the camp site,which incidentally was an absolute cracker,and booked in for a couple of nights.The sad condition of the car was pretty obvious and the site owner kindly offered to send his handyman round to see if he could sort it.This chap was amazing because he cured the leak with a strip of rubber and a small hose clip. "Will you start her up now,sorr?" So I did and he was rewarded with a face full of high pressure hydraulic fluid.After wiping his face and a few muttered Gaelic imprecations he retightened the clip.After moving to a safe distance he told me to try again.Bingo! Not a drop.He told us it'd last for the holiday but to get it in the garage as soon as possible.Actually it lasted the six months until I traded the DS in.

I never imagined when the DS came into the family that I'd end up using it to tow a twenty foot caravan across Ireland.But that's what happened.The parents got an idea in their heads that it would be nice to pick up a 'van in Ireland and motor across to the west coast.Well I was young enough and crazy enough to agree,even though the only thing I'd towed before was my brother's van (yes,that van) and that by a piece of washing line.
Still,there we were,on the ferry,in a cabin well below the water line,therefore no windows and thinking,'Titanic ' as the ship's engines thudded and banged all around us.Great start to the holiday.I think the car probably had a better cruise.
Anyway,we picked up the caravan and very nice it was too,were given a brief 'how-to' by the hirer and off we went.After the first couple of miles I found that towing a caravan wasn't as fraught as I'd imagined,that disasters weren't waiting around every corner.Or maybe they were but the other drivers were more upto the job than I was and once we hit open countryside it was a sheer joy.

Anyway,back to yon DS.This was one great car with a ride like a magic carpet and performance which was amazing considering the weight of the thing.However,in the winter mine had a curious foible.You reversed out of your path.And that was it.The car elected to stay in reverse,until the linkage from the column shift, I assume,thawed out.Fortunately that didn't take long and I never did find a permanent cure.There again,it didn't happen too often so I lived with it.As my old gran used to say, "What can't be cured,must be endured." She also said a lot of stuff no-one understood,like, "It's cold enough for a walking stick " and "Long may yer lum reek. "
I generally found the car easy to drive,though initially the brake 'pedal' was a small matter of concern.Mainly because it wasn't a pedal,rather more a big rubber mushroom growing out of the floor.At least it was where you expected to find a brake pedal,which is more than can be said for the parking brake,the handle to which stuck out under the dash somewhere and resembled a walking stick (back to gran).

Oh aye,harping back to the Citroen DS I became obsessed with.This was a 2100cc,5-speed column shift monster of a car.
The length of the bonnet meant you could be in two counties at the same time or, alternatively,in an 'unfortunate incident' there was enough metal between you and the offending item,that the chances were you wouldn't feel anything anyway.
And with seating that made the average sofa look very undernourished it was a heck of a car just to sit in,never mind drive.No wonder DeGaulle loved 'em.The DS was always going to be an exceptional car with Citroen's self-levelling suspension,originally on the ID only at the rear,and its central 'nervous system' high pressure supply.This gave you high pressure braking from a central reservoir,as well as power for the steering and of course the sheer grunt to hoist the entire car to its designed ride height.Or higher,if you so wished;handy for wheel changing.
Incidentally,don't know if you saw the advert they ran years ago for the Citroen GS,where they took a road wheel off and drove the car down a disused runway and the car stayed perfectly level.That wasn't a fiddle.I know,because I've done it.Got some weird looks too,I can tell you.According to a Citroen mechanic who was testing my CX at the time,the way they test the suspension and steering on cars with hydro-pneumatic suspension is drive with two wheels on the verge and two wheels on the tarmac at around sixty.And let go of the steering wheel.The car should not react to the different surfaces.There's a fault if it does.I kinda laughed,until he proved it.I still get the shakes thinking about it.

I'm a slow developer and that's probably one of the milder things I've been called,so I came to the world of automatics a bit late in life.To be honest,I'd always sneered at automatic car drivers.Like, can't you drive a proper car or what?
Time to eat humble pie,I guess.I was totally wrong.What brought about this change of heart? A Renault Savanna,with you've guessed it,a slush box.Within days I was totally in love with the car.Oh it had its faults,like turning its rear lights off when it got the urge,but I could forgive it almost anything,'cept its fuel consumption(horrible),because of its engine and gearbox.The 'box had two settings,economical and sports modes.Economical gave you nice performance,with upshifts happening at lowish revs.This made the car ideal for ferrying gradparents,etc around,the performance being,shall we say,restrained and suited to traffic jams and town driving,which I guess is what most of us get stuck with most of the time.
On the other hand,sports mode didn't exactly transform the car into an F1 contender,we are talking about a seven seater utilty vehicle here for crying out loud,but changing up was delayed until near maximum engine revs and considering the engine was 2litres then performance was satisfying,for me anyway.The Savanna became one of the few cars I truly regretted parting company with.In fact if I can find a decent example I could still be tempted.....

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Cars aren't everything,but nearly.....

I have to be honest. I have a love - hate relationship with cars.Always had a fascination with them but the more you have to do with them,the more you discover that a car has a a persona all of its own.Never more so than French cars and especially Citroen models,although I dare say owners of Italian cars would and no doubt will take issue with that assertion.That's okay,I've owned Italian vehicles as well and I won't argue that they definitely have a flair all their own;it's just that I've had the pleasure(?) of owning more French than Italian cars.
I was probably about nine when I saw a CitroenID for the first time and that was when the rot set in.I always knew I'd have one (as it turned out I bought a DS21 many moons later) but the realisation of that desire got submerged in the general fascination with cars.
I can still remember the family holiday on Borth beach when Dad let me drive the Hillman Silver Sands.I had to sit on his knee and he worked the clutch,etc but I steered and changed gear (man,I hope the statute of limitations or whatever has run out for these offenses).And what a sense of power that gave me.I was hooked!.Later,we changed the Hillman for a Humber Hawk.This,if you've never seen one was built along the lines of the old American cars,all wide,flaring arches and massively long.Leather upholstery and real wood interiors,a sort of stately home on wheels.The kind of car that made you drive with your little finger sticking out.Dad used to let me park it in the garage,which at my age,was akin to docking the shuttle into the space station;yes the clearance was that tight.But hey,a car nut,whatever the age,has got to do what a car nut has to do.
Y'know ,I just remembered my first down side with cars.We,at some time, had a Hillman Coupe ( a rag top to you and me) which exhibited an unfortunate trait when it rained.That's right,it let in and in a quite spectacular way.Funnily enough though,that wasn't the downside I was thinking about.Because I,humiliatingly, suffered from car sickness I got to travel in the front.And the Coupe's doors hinged at the rear..We were doing about thirty-five when I realised my door wasn't shut properly and without thinking opened it,which had the same effect as putting up a sail into a stiff breeze and I found myself being dragged out of the car. Mum grabbed my shoulders and together we wrestled the door shut again.Needless to say this was long before anyone had even heard of seatbelts.Still,a lesson learned the hard way is one you remember.I never opened those doors on the move again.

Unsurprisingly,I learned to drive at 17.And failed my first test.I was devastated.I felt like a lover spurned,rejected by my one true love.Cars.Instead of being alone with my love, still I had to be chaperoned by Dad wherever I went.Also not surprisingly I was working as an apprentice mechanic in the local garage,the owner of which not unreasonably wanted me to get qualified asap.After waiting the obligatory three months I applied for the test again.This time I wore my overalls.And I passed.To this day,I'm not sure whether I passed my car test because of them.I only know that during the test (back in those days we were required to give hand signals) I distinctly remember having my right arm out the window.While my left hand was changing gear.Definitely a no-no.Still,I had the precious 'Pass' slip in my hand and the examiner's words ringing in my ears. "You're a lousy driver,son." I agreed wholeheartedly.I had passed so I didn't care what he said.So,'L' plates off and a euphoric drive home.
Shortly after,Dad did the right thing and bought me my own car,more to save the family car than anything else,I suspect
but I was suitably grateful even so.This car was a Ford Popular,in flaky black.With a side-valve engine and three speed gearbox it was about as near tractor as you'd want to get but it was mine,all mine.I came to love the long,long gear lever that grew out of the car's floor and ended somewhere near my left ear but hey,you needed the leverage to shift them cogs.Steering was so-so and everything hung together pretty well.What I didn't appreciate was the modus-operandi of the car's wipers.These are vacuum driven off the inlet manifold unlike the wipers on the Volkswagen Beetle,which got their motivation from the air pressure in that car's spare wheel.At least the Beetle's wipers' performance should have been consistent,'til the air ran out anyway.Consistency was not the Ford's strong suit unfortunately.Its wipers worked like the clappers when you only needed a gentle sweep and dragged themselves lethargically over the glass in a torrential downpour.Useful.I think not.Still,the car was a little belter,reliable and easily fixed.Ah,the good old days.Give me a good screwdriver and a big hammer and there wasn't much I couldn't sort on that Ford .Unlike nowadays,heck if you want to work on your car you have to be a rocket scientist or have a degree in some -ology or other.Currently,I'm driving a Citroen Xsara of 2002 vintage and oh brother,what a sad excuse for a car this particular one is.I've bought better cars for £700.For example I've never had a car that decides it wants to share my music with the world while I'm driving.One minute the radio or cd(when it feels like working) is playing softly in the background,the next the volume is cranked right up full and at 30 watts that gets scary.Or how about when I get out and close the door,the car locks them all behind me.I mean,have I got a problem even my best friend won't tell me about?

Anyway,eventually the Ford Pop went the way of all flesh,um steel and made way for a mini,Sir Issigonis' original model.Between you and me I think it was the first one off the production line,the one built on a Friday.This was an absolutely diabolical contraption,with an engine determined to leave home and make its own way in the world,unencumbered by the weight of a car body.And once,when taking a potential girlfriend to a job interview,the bonnet had obviously had enough trying to contain the escaping engine and flipped up,effectively blinding us,which was jolly for a few seconds;I blame that for my lack of success with aforementioned young lady.
That car didn't last long.But there again neither did my friend's mini,although his suffered from a different malaise.When it rained he ended up with a mobile paddling pool,water sloshing from side to side as he cornered.Apparently, in their wisdom,BMC or was it BLMC? constructed the mini with the body seams facing outwards and the water got in.He had the cleanest feet of all of us,though little wonder he also had more colds and sore throats.
I still hadn't learned from that disaster of a motor and got myself a Riley Kestrel,an upmarket Austin 1100.This actually was quite a nice car,what they'd call in the trade a 'tidy motor',nice bit of walnut veneer on the dash,fancier and more comprehensive instrumentation,and a satisfying turn of performance.I was so taken with the car I even fitted a leather gear knob.All was well,until I heard the knock from the rear end.11 and 1300's have subframes like the mini,which add extra weight to the cars.These like a few other ideas from the BLMC stable,weren't exactly planned but were a bit of a quick-fix.Anyway,the kestrel had a knock from the back and on crawling underneath,something I seemed to do a lot of with Leyland stuff,I discovered that the rubber mountings between subframe and body were separating.Ho-hum.Frankly the car wasn't worth getting fixed properly so I lived with the knock and just turned up the radio.
It's just a pity they never let Sir Issigonis produce his next project,the 9X,because by all accounts that would have been a cracker.Even though it was shorter than the mini,incredibly,it had more interior room and was a real tour-de-force in the use of space in a vehicle;actually a true four-seater.Unlike the mini,the 9X's sliding windows opened further so that the driver could poke his/her head out for a better view when reversing,though reversing something smaller than a mini had to be a doddle anyway,surely.If you're curious,the car actually looked pretty good,rather like the later produced Peugot 104.To be honest,when I first saw it I thought it was a 104! Just suppose they had put the 9X on the market,maybe BLMC or Rover or whatever new guise they took on would still be here and flourishing.Perhaps the U.K. would still have a national car company.

I thought,as a slight departure,and to show I can be responsible (hey,we all have the odd lapse) we could perhaps have a quick look at the advantages of driving smart.I don't honestly believe that I'm going to tell anyone anything they don't know already.We're all professionals here,been driving years and seen it all,though personally I find most days someone finds something new to spring on me.You know what I mean.Or you should.
Even so,I guess it does no harm to refresh our memories about what can save fuel,considering how much cash goes to the Exchequer from the pumps.So,where do we start? Well,we could start by doing simple maintenance on the car,fixing the obvious before it becomes more 'interesting'.Things like changing the plugs or checking the gaps if they're still serviceable.But if they've been in the car anything like 10,000 miles change 'em.If you've got a misfire and still have plug leads that are over 18 months old it's well worth checking them or changing them.I had a Renault that started and ran brilliantly in the dry;bit of drizzle,forget it.You'd crank the engine until the battery died.Changing the spark plugs cured the problem.About two wet days.Then you're back to the embarrassingly dead car.Try putting a brave face on that when your girl's sitting there,thinking this is some base ruse of your's to have your wicked way.However,changing the plug leads (don't forget the coil to distributor lead,that needs love and understanding like the rest of us) cured the problem for good and that Renault turned out to be one of the most reliable cars I ever drove.Just a note though.Always,always work safely.Don't wear ties or at least don't let them dangle if you're going to work on a running engine;I know more than enough motorists who had close encounters of the face altering kind courtesy of their engines.
Moving swiftly on in our efforts to save fuel and stating the obvious yet again: check tyre pressures.If the tyres are soft the drag can cost you upto 8% more to go fetch granny from the chiropodists.She might appreciate the lift,you won't appreciate the waste of fuel.
We can all drive a bit smoother,a little more restrainedly but be honest,how many times have you driven calmly and sensibly for miles and just at the end of your journey some crackpot has cut you up or done something so crazy it makes your blood boil.What do you do? Change down two gears and floor the loud pedal and go after him/her? Sure you do.Why? Because it makes you feel better.You're going to right a wrong.You're reacting positively.Well,you're positively wasting all that fuel all your careful driving had saved.Better to let it go,odds are there's a speed camera on the end of the long arm of the law round the next bend;let the speed merchant run into that.Believe me ,that is so satisfying as you drive past at your legal thirty.

Following on from what we were saying last time about driving smoothly and steadily,to save fuel we could also try getting up to cruising speed and then backing off the go pedal until we're just holding that speed.Apparently a lot of us,oh alright,me as well, tend to keep the throttle just that little too far down.A bit like turning the central heating thermostat down a degree or so;you won't notice the difference,'cept in the pocket book area.Your car will appreciate it too because it's not getting hammered as much.I suppose we all heard the advice about getting the car in the highest gear so it rolls easier and saves fuel.However,taking that to the extreme can work against you.Stands to reason flogging your car up a 1in 4 hill in top gear is not going to do wonders for the fuel consumption;rather,the advice should be try to drive with the minimum throttle as much of the time as possible.Using a lower gear on a hill means the throttle can remain were it should be,fairly closed,while the engine works efficiently.
Digressing a little,I'm a little confused about going down long,winding hills.See,have you ever followed a car down a hill and its brake lights have been on all the way down? Anyone think that's perhaps something that needs working on.Maybe I was taught the wrong way but I was taught to use lower gears and save the brakes for the bottom of the hill,rather than get to the bottom and find out I haven't got any brakes due to fade caused by over-heating.Guess I'm just a dinosaur but I did learn to drive when technology was still finding its feet and brakepads seemed to be made from straw and yak dung.And they were the deluxe versions.
I suppose you could argue driving a car like that could burn more fuel while the engine is on over-run but we're also concerned with safety here.And well,I kind of like the idea of having brakes when I need them.
Anyway,what was I burbling on about? Oh,yeah.Saving fuel.If you put a roof rack on your car years ago,y'know ,when you were moving Aunt Mabel's wardrobe and it's still on the car,the roofrack,the roofrack! Least,I hope the wardrobe's off the car or brother,your fuel consumption will have suffered.But it'll still be worse than it need be,that roofrack could cost you up to 10% in fuel costs.I remember when I first used a rack,I thought the wheel bearings,gearbox and diff had all packed in.Took me a while to realise the humming noise was coming from the roof rack.Hadn't heard it while carrying the cabin cruiser canopy on the car.

Speaking of Italian cars,which we haven't for a while,I was just thinking about the Fiat Mirafiori.This was a 1600cc saloon, in the kind of eye-searing orange only the Italians can get away with.Basically a very plain,no frills car,with no real creature comforts,its redeeming features were its engine and gearbox.Producing 75 bhp,which back then was considered pretty healthy (but not nowadays when you compare it with the output from the original Vauxhall Astra,which gave you 90bhp),I felt the car was good fun to drive.And it was,believe me.Faults? Of course.My family believe I'd find fault with a Rolls-Royce and I sure found them on the Mirafiori,although not many.Front wheel bearing and a wonky thermostat were about it.Oh and a duff differential which I'd picked up on during the test drive and which the dealer had sorted before delivery.Nice car.
The other Italian in the family was a Fiat X1/9,beautiful little 2-seater,mid-engined sports car designed by Bertone.Worst luck it was my brother's,and it's probably the only time I've actually come near to feeling resentful towards him.Again,a very nice car,a very,very nice car.Its only problem as far as I can remember,apart from its insurance premiums,was a temperamental gear linkage.Seems that if a rod or lever under the car wasn't bent at just the right angle half your gears went walkabout.When everything was set up just right you couldn't ask for a slicker shift,but brother had developed a flair for putting this linkage out of whack, and I seemed to spend a fair proportion of my time underneath bending it back in place.As indeed I did sorting out a Viva van he had for his band equipment .Against better judgement, he got it because there was a total lack of cheap vans and the group was desperate. When I had a test drive of it I forecast nothing but trouble and was I right.I think dad and I lived in the garage over the next few months as we put right one thing after another.The van got used and then back in it would come with something else.We literally built the thing from the ground up.Scouring scrap yards became a regular weekend pastime;a front suspension this week,a rear suspension the following.Steering rack,alternator,you name it we swapped it.In the end he bought a Renault 12 estate.

And this Renault 12 estate turned out to be a belter.Y'know they always say never buy a car in the rain or at night ? Er,well that's what we did.But the car drove well,very nice and because I already had a 12 saloon I had something to compare the estate against.In the dry and in the light the body work wasn't so foul,just a bit faded in general,slightly worse on the bonnet;T-Cut would've sorted most blemishes, if anyone was that bothered but this was a worker and was rarely still long enough to check the tyre pressures, let alone polish anything.This car came to us with a pretty (very) high mileage on it already;by the time Brother had finished with it ,he had pushed it upto unbelievable proportions.And then he handed it over to his then girlfriend, ( now wife) and under her tender care, the mileage finally resembled something the space shuttle would knock up orbiting the earth a few times before going on a moon flight.I just wish they still made the 12,although I have a dim recollection of some Asian manufacturer taking it on.I'll have to see if it's still going.The original Renault 12 really was a great car,in an understated way.In fact,12's made such an impression on us that Dad,not to be outdone,got himself a 12TS,with the high-back seats and a distinct 'edge' to the performance.As a little insight into 'Dad',he also got a Sunbeam Rapier convertible when he retired and he and Mum would take themselves off to the pubs in Cheshire.Nowt like following your dream.

Gee,this blog is so organised.Not..Here we are back on fuel saving tips,sorry about that if you were riveted by my ramblings about the cars in my life but I doubt if that's been happening anyway.
So here we go.I was surprised when I heard this one but apparently air conditioning can play havoc with your car's fuel consumption.All my cars have had air conditioning;well,they all had windows,generally,though I did smash a window by slamming the door too hard.What I also didn't realise when driving with the air conditioning on for the first time or so was the amazing power loss you felt when the coolant pump cut in.I thought the engine was dying on me.So remember in the middle of summer make sure you sweat and save that precious fuel.Yeah,that's what I think too.At the other end of the spectrum (the other end of the car if it comes to that) avoid using the heated rear window excessively,that pulls a drain on the car's electric system,specifically the alternator which puts a load on the engine,which of course burns more petrol or diesel.
And finally,for now,it turns out the most economical speed is 55mph or whatever that is in square kilopints,so there you have it,my permission to drive everywhere at 55mph and you can tell the nice policeman that you were only saving fuel.Good luck with that.Oh and finally,finally I saved the best economy tip of all for last.Lock the car up,leave the keys on the mantelpiece and walk.Not only does it do the environment good,it'll do you good as well.